winding down

I am currently laying in my bed, trying to avoid packing up for as long as possible. I'm making my travel list for Turkey, deciding which book to read next, folding laundry, and organizing my paper pile.

You know I'm avoiding something when I'm doing laundry (my 6th time all year [I have a lot of clothes]). I'm really excited for this summer and even more next year, but I am reluctant to let this year go. I am used to the way of life I have adapted to and the routine that I have become accustomed to - and I don't want to have to adjust again. I also am reluctant to leave this place with unfinished business and feelings.

I was talking to a friend last night and he was telling me of his unfinished business and feelings here in Santa Barbara and how he thinks sometimes that when he leaves, he never wants to come back. The conversation was extremely heartbreaking, especially because this person has both wronged people I love and been wronged by them, and neither party will recognize their own fault in the situation. God is currently working on my friend's heart and is unfortunately doing some pruning, which at some time in our lives is always necessary. I am currently wondering if I am being pruned... I don't know.

I have been recently realizing the magnitude of God's power in my life and how (I believe at least) He uses little things to convict me of what He wants me to do. And how He is constantly challenging my reasons for my desires, keeping me on track and keeping my ultimate focus on Him. It's been a painful process - I am still confused as to whether or not my current decision is of my choosing or of God's will (it seems to drift between the two). I think a week away from Santa Barbara will be good for me as I can just relax and spend time in the Word without the distraction of other desires and feelings.

In the long run, the decision I make (as long as it's God's as well) will good for all. To be honest, while it's on my heart right now, it's not really stressing me out. After yesterday's finals and paper, it's very hard to be stressed. I am more preoccupied with the love I both feel for and am receiving from the community that I am so blessed to be a part of. I am slightly scared to leave this summer not only because I am worried that I will be physically far from those that I love, but also emotionally and mentally - I will only be able to write emails about once a week. This is radically different from the connection I've been so blessed to have for over eight months. This, along with the fact I'm going to be challenged spiritually with questions over why Jesus is the answer rather than Islam, etc. is going to leave me more spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausted than I've been all quarter - which is saying something for sure.

But you know what? I rejoice in the challenge. The opportunity that God is offering me - me, of all people (God certainly uses the fools to teach the wise) - is so beautiful. I'm going to come back a completely different person. I'm not sure yet if it will be for the better or for worse but I hope for the former and am ready to go.

I'm ready to be sent.