a short random blurb
so, I don't cry.
it's not really something i do. but sometimes, i just feel like i have to. the feeling doesn't come very often but when it does, sometimes i honor it, sometimes i just get on Facebook or something. this time, i probably won't do either. i kind of want to wallow on the brink of it, not giving in totally, just thinking about why i have come to this place.
oh, and it's not sad tears, if that's what you're thinking.
i've been remembering a lot of things lately. like earlier today i was driving and i randomly (or by some sort of d.i.) remembered back in the summer after tenth grade, where this boy gave me a love letter written in binary code. it was the first time i had ever received any sort of more-than-friends gift from a - gasp - boy. needless to say, i did not receive it well. i don't think i receive a lot of things well, especially compliments.
anyway, i've also discovered (through the above activity and through interactions with people) that i really can't say no. for my LIFE. it's really bad. it feeds into my thinking that to love someone is to give them what they want and that's totally not true. i realize how much i have failed in loving people and how much i have yet to learn in how to do it right.
although i have realized that God has been teaching me daily how to go about it. the fact that He enabled me to have complete and ridiculous love for Özge and Cenan without ever having met them before and still feeling that love for them now that i'm gone - and may never see them again - amazes me. my heart hurts for them and i long to be with them - one of the reasons i am near tears.
whew, that got me close to the brink again.
i have also realized how selfish i am lately. it's really convicting and slightly upsetting. the really upsetting part is that i'm so darn sneaky about it. that i don't really want to dwell on that part at the moment, i can only handle looking at so many faults at once. haha.
Soooo, I'll write a blog just about that! hahaha.
Love,
Always,
Meredith
it's not really something i do. but sometimes, i just feel like i have to. the feeling doesn't come very often but when it does, sometimes i honor it, sometimes i just get on Facebook or something. this time, i probably won't do either. i kind of want to wallow on the brink of it, not giving in totally, just thinking about why i have come to this place.
oh, and it's not sad tears, if that's what you're thinking.
i've been remembering a lot of things lately. like earlier today i was driving and i randomly (or by some sort of d.i.) remembered back in the summer after tenth grade, where this boy gave me a love letter written in binary code. it was the first time i had ever received any sort of more-than-friends gift from a - gasp - boy. needless to say, i did not receive it well. i don't think i receive a lot of things well, especially compliments.
anyway, i've also discovered (through the above activity and through interactions with people) that i really can't say no. for my LIFE. it's really bad. it feeds into my thinking that to love someone is to give them what they want and that's totally not true. i realize how much i have failed in loving people and how much i have yet to learn in how to do it right.
although i have realized that God has been teaching me daily how to go about it. the fact that He enabled me to have complete and ridiculous love for Özge and Cenan without ever having met them before and still feeling that love for them now that i'm gone - and may never see them again - amazes me. my heart hurts for them and i long to be with them - one of the reasons i am near tears.
whew, that got me close to the brink again.
i have also realized how selfish i am lately. it's really convicting and slightly upsetting. the really upsetting part is that i'm so darn sneaky about it. that i don't really want to dwell on that part at the moment, i can only handle looking at so many faults at once. haha.
Soooo, I'll write a blog just about that! hahaha.
Love,
Always,
Meredith
I'm weird...I haven't cried in years although there were times I wanted to. There are times where I have trouble saying "no", and times I have trouble saying "yes". It's still good to have unconditional love. I still need to learn how to show my love properly.
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