an experiment
the past few days have been rather interesting and emotion-wise, i feel as though i've bounced from one end of the spectrum to the other multiple times. i think that i've come to find that sitting on the fence gives you a much wider scope than peering up at it from either side. i don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that in most cases, i am able to see both sides of the argument but often it ends up just being rather bumtastic.
i make a lot of things into Jesus, i just realized. that's awful. falafel, even.
i am so grateful for what God has done in my life: that He has humbled me and brought me to this place of knowing that i truly need Him above anything else and that i have no other Savior; that He has blessed me with truly awesome people and opportunities that i take advantage of on a daily basis; that he still brings me peace in all of the chaos that i put myself through; that he has given me dance; that my mother is being healed; that i go to a beautiful school; that i can even GO to school; that i have a family that cares for me; that He loves me by giving me what i NEED, not what i want; that He loves me though there is reason, no way to repay, nothing to gain, and so much to lose; that He rescues me from myself (there's the important one).
we have to start journaling in my improv class - we have to write about what we find striking or beautiful, how we feel on a day-to-day basis, who we think we are. trying to be in tune with our bodies - noting the emotions, not basking in them. simply looking them in the eye and hearing what they have to say and then releasing them, letting them go. awesome. i will attempt to do this, i have no idea how it's going to go.
my eyes and heels hurt a lot. and my butt is numb. i feel as though i'm slowly becoming less and less vertical, more and more part of the carpet. i think i do this a lot. i don't like sitting up straight - it seems to proper. i adjust. the multitude of house noises is somewhat distracting me from my search for a comfortable position. there are still catcalls and drunken yells from the street in front of my house, still droopy-eyed girls wobbily walking back to their houses and dorms, boys still eyeing them nervously, though the nerves are numbed by the amount of alcohol they've consumed. i love these people and my heart burns for them. i want to invite them all into my house, just to rest (and perhaps eat?), just to find somewhere where they know that they have somewhere to go that's safe, where they find no judgment - only love. they're all away from home, far from comfort and out in a world full of seeking and not much finding. it's funny how often we don't hear the clock ticking. sometimes it seems so loud - for a moment you hear its hand winding around and around and the next second it seems silent or far away. cough. adjust. more vertical again, though it hurts. more coughing. my body, though it complained all day, is starting to feel stronger. the soreness is rewarding, tomorrow i may be saying differently, but for now my limbs feel soft and heavy, enjoying their few minutes rest. my eyes are starting to hurt more and more and my thoughts start circling around the same things - which is now synonymous with sleep because when i start mangling things in my head is about the time that i am the most dangerous to myself.
good night dear reader, thanks for putting up with my blogging experiments! :)
love,
always,
Meredith
i make a lot of things into Jesus, i just realized. that's awful. falafel, even.
i am so grateful for what God has done in my life: that He has humbled me and brought me to this place of knowing that i truly need Him above anything else and that i have no other Savior; that He has blessed me with truly awesome people and opportunities that i take advantage of on a daily basis; that he still brings me peace in all of the chaos that i put myself through; that he has given me dance; that my mother is being healed; that i go to a beautiful school; that i can even GO to school; that i have a family that cares for me; that He loves me by giving me what i NEED, not what i want; that He loves me though there is reason, no way to repay, nothing to gain, and so much to lose; that He rescues me from myself (there's the important one).
we have to start journaling in my improv class - we have to write about what we find striking or beautiful, how we feel on a day-to-day basis, who we think we are. trying to be in tune with our bodies - noting the emotions, not basking in them. simply looking them in the eye and hearing what they have to say and then releasing them, letting them go. awesome. i will attempt to do this, i have no idea how it's going to go.
my eyes and heels hurt a lot. and my butt is numb. i feel as though i'm slowly becoming less and less vertical, more and more part of the carpet. i think i do this a lot. i don't like sitting up straight - it seems to proper. i adjust. the multitude of house noises is somewhat distracting me from my search for a comfortable position. there are still catcalls and drunken yells from the street in front of my house, still droopy-eyed girls wobbily walking back to their houses and dorms, boys still eyeing them nervously, though the nerves are numbed by the amount of alcohol they've consumed. i love these people and my heart burns for them. i want to invite them all into my house, just to rest (and perhaps eat?), just to find somewhere where they know that they have somewhere to go that's safe, where they find no judgment - only love. they're all away from home, far from comfort and out in a world full of seeking and not much finding. it's funny how often we don't hear the clock ticking. sometimes it seems so loud - for a moment you hear its hand winding around and around and the next second it seems silent or far away. cough. adjust. more vertical again, though it hurts. more coughing. my body, though it complained all day, is starting to feel stronger. the soreness is rewarding, tomorrow i may be saying differently, but for now my limbs feel soft and heavy, enjoying their few minutes rest. my eyes are starting to hurt more and more and my thoughts start circling around the same things - which is now synonymous with sleep because when i start mangling things in my head is about the time that i am the most dangerous to myself.
good night dear reader, thanks for putting up with my blogging experiments! :)
love,
always,
Meredith
There's an improv class? :O
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this post, I happened to be listening to a chamber choir song Ian put on his post. I started imagining what you described as if it was a movie with the song playing in the background...
It's awesome you relate a lot of things to Jesus. It's awesome you love complete strangers. I definitely want to love people I don't know more consistently. Right now I already feel like writing on multiple topics, but I don't know where to start and I feel like separating them by post...