तू मानी सेक्रेट्स
WARNING: I'm a bit of a drama queen in this one.
I'm a kind of person who doesn't like to relinquish power. I think I learned it from when I was a kid. I'm the boss kid, you know, the oldest. I've always had to be the one who got the other kids ready for school, hid them from Dad when he "wasn't feeling well", kept my brother from falling when my parents' backs were turned, and the like. I've always been the silent source of control in situations that involve a great many people with great big voices. It's part of the reason I always volunteer to drive, I think, the fact that I don't want anyone but myself to be in control of the car. and I like to kind of be the mama. I also love people best through acts of service and however else - I love loving people through serving them.
I'm sorry that I'm starting a lot of these sentences with "I". this is a very introspective sort of blog and it's hard for me to vary my sentence structure. I'm not always writing this for entertainment purposes, haha.
In other words, I'm a control freak, albeit a sneaky one. Unless one takes the time to trace the course of the outcome, my manipulative nature is mostly unnoticeable. My obsession with having the upper hand has been showing itself a lot more lately and I've become a lot more aware of it, especially in my relationships with my friends.
I am a terrible sort of friend, in that I don't like letting people have enough of my heart.
I also think that moving cross-country in the most crucial part of my life as far as friendships go played a bit of a role in this flaw of mine. After moving to California in the tenth grade, I never really had a solid friend group. I changed who I hung out with every year, with maybe one friend staying the same - but that relationship always being rather shallow and infinitely messed-up. But that deserves a different post unto itself.
I have a lot of secrets. Too many, in fact. And it seems that telling people these secrets doesn't help. But the thing is, I can't handle them anymore. They make me hurt, make me feel guilty, make me flinch, make me want to just go back to sleep. There is so much remaining hurt in my life, so much that has not healed - so many wounds that I haven't shown to anyone because those I have shown have ridiculed me for them. My heart has been broken, trampled on, and then given back to me as I stand humiliated and speechless. Not only am I constantly reminded of my sin by the ever-gracious Enemy, I also have sin thrust often in my face and am tempted in ways that I am not strong enough to handle. I cannot go one day without thinking something negative about myself - I rarely go a day thinking something positive about myself.
So, dear reader, if you ever want to see someone so tired of their crap that they finally break down and give it to God - years of crap, so built up and nasty that my knees are buckling under the weight - check me out. You can choose to finish reading this post or not, you can pray it with me if you want, but from here on out it's not addressed to you, my friend.
Father, daddy,
I can't do this anymore. I can't carry this burden of self-hatred and regret any longer. It's too heavy and I know that you don't want me to carry it, you know that I'm not strong enough. I come to you, completely humbled and on my knees. I accept what You did for me when you took the burdens of the world upon you, burdens much heavier than mine, and freed us all. I know that from here on I don't have to flinch every time I think about what has happened and what I have done. You have made me clean and I am a new creation: those are not my secrets anymore.
Love,
Always,
Meredith
I'm a kind of person who doesn't like to relinquish power. I think I learned it from when I was a kid. I'm the boss kid, you know, the oldest. I've always had to be the one who got the other kids ready for school, hid them from Dad when he "wasn't feeling well", kept my brother from falling when my parents' backs were turned, and the like. I've always been the silent source of control in situations that involve a great many people with great big voices. It's part of the reason I always volunteer to drive, I think, the fact that I don't want anyone but myself to be in control of the car. and I like to kind of be the mama. I also love people best through acts of service and however else - I love loving people through serving them.
I'm sorry that I'm starting a lot of these sentences with "I". this is a very introspective sort of blog and it's hard for me to vary my sentence structure. I'm not always writing this for entertainment purposes, haha.
In other words, I'm a control freak, albeit a sneaky one. Unless one takes the time to trace the course of the outcome, my manipulative nature is mostly unnoticeable. My obsession with having the upper hand has been showing itself a lot more lately and I've become a lot more aware of it, especially in my relationships with my friends.
I am a terrible sort of friend, in that I don't like letting people have enough of my heart.
I also think that moving cross-country in the most crucial part of my life as far as friendships go played a bit of a role in this flaw of mine. After moving to California in the tenth grade, I never really had a solid friend group. I changed who I hung out with every year, with maybe one friend staying the same - but that relationship always being rather shallow and infinitely messed-up. But that deserves a different post unto itself.
I have a lot of secrets. Too many, in fact. And it seems that telling people these secrets doesn't help. But the thing is, I can't handle them anymore. They make me hurt, make me feel guilty, make me flinch, make me want to just go back to sleep. There is so much remaining hurt in my life, so much that has not healed - so many wounds that I haven't shown to anyone because those I have shown have ridiculed me for them. My heart has been broken, trampled on, and then given back to me as I stand humiliated and speechless. Not only am I constantly reminded of my sin by the ever-gracious Enemy, I also have sin thrust often in my face and am tempted in ways that I am not strong enough to handle. I cannot go one day without thinking something negative about myself - I rarely go a day thinking something positive about myself.
So, dear reader, if you ever want to see someone so tired of their crap that they finally break down and give it to God - years of crap, so built up and nasty that my knees are buckling under the weight - check me out. You can choose to finish reading this post or not, you can pray it with me if you want, but from here on out it's not addressed to you, my friend.
Father, daddy,
I can't do this anymore. I can't carry this burden of self-hatred and regret any longer. It's too heavy and I know that you don't want me to carry it, you know that I'm not strong enough. I come to you, completely humbled and on my knees. I accept what You did for me when you took the burdens of the world upon you, burdens much heavier than mine, and freed us all. I know that from here on I don't have to flinch every time I think about what has happened and what I have done. You have made me clean and I am a new creation: those are not my secrets anymore.
Love,
Always,
Meredith
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