and everything attached to them
(A/N:) This post gets a little random, but it's all related, just ask me if you must know. Haha.
Just got back from a long day in the city/Bay Area. In the car on the way home, I got the chance to patch up a friendship that had been utterly destroyed by both parties involved and I was able to voice a lot of hurt that has been in my life recently (and for a long time). There are patches that won't heal just by talking about it and there are things that I wanted to say that instead of being helpful would just make the matter worse - those I must keep to myself, I think - but I am infinitely glad that what made me uneasy at 9 o clock this morning now has a tinge of peace and I don't cringe when I think of it.
I certainly seem to like to live in the past a lot. I'm going to stop doing that.
I also have found ways to be manipulative without actually doing anything direct. I have successfully snuck past myself... only to get caught in retrospect. It's awful. And I know that I will never be able to do this on my own strength, nor can I just stick to the methods that I have deemed "correct".
NOR am I going to make a big deal out of things that are not anything at all (on a somewhat unrelated note).
So, most of this is me thinking out loud/in text. I'm a visual person: I need to see it to process it... and to figure out what the heck I'm thinking - but Reader, if you walk away with anything from this jumble of words and phrases, just remember that you are loved. I thank God every day that He has blessed me with so much love that I neither deserve nor can reciprocate fully: and that I get to love on you, dear reader. I've been really aware lately of how different my love for people has become now that God has shown me how His love is different than the conditional love of this world. I can finally say that I have, without effort on my own part, loved someone fully when all the reasons in the world were screaming at me to hate him with all of my being.
It's a funny thing, to realize that God has changed your heart or your mind. When you trust more, it's not like you get these new thoughts or you start thinking more intelligent or wise or spiritual things - it's like the way that you think about things changes. What's logical in your own mind and heart is different. The natural progression of things as you see it in your own mind is surprisingly different. What you feel and who you feel for and how you feel it in your heart changes. God does funny things. God brings change.
God brings growth. But he also brings the knowledge of what hasn't changed and how you haven't grown in all the areas you thought you had. God gently reminds you of immaturities and then nudges you in the right direction.
Anyways, that last part is more or less how I'm feeling right now. There's a lot of head and heart knowledge that needs to be put to work and a lot of old habits and mechanisms that need to be put to rest.
Love,
always,
Meredith
Just got back from a long day in the city/Bay Area. In the car on the way home, I got the chance to patch up a friendship that had been utterly destroyed by both parties involved and I was able to voice a lot of hurt that has been in my life recently (and for a long time). There are patches that won't heal just by talking about it and there are things that I wanted to say that instead of being helpful would just make the matter worse - those I must keep to myself, I think - but I am infinitely glad that what made me uneasy at 9 o clock this morning now has a tinge of peace and I don't cringe when I think of it.
I certainly seem to like to live in the past a lot. I'm going to stop doing that.
I also have found ways to be manipulative without actually doing anything direct. I have successfully snuck past myself... only to get caught in retrospect. It's awful. And I know that I will never be able to do this on my own strength, nor can I just stick to the methods that I have deemed "correct".
NOR am I going to make a big deal out of things that are not anything at all (on a somewhat unrelated note).
So, most of this is me thinking out loud/in text. I'm a visual person: I need to see it to process it... and to figure out what the heck I'm thinking - but Reader, if you walk away with anything from this jumble of words and phrases, just remember that you are loved. I thank God every day that He has blessed me with so much love that I neither deserve nor can reciprocate fully: and that I get to love on you, dear reader. I've been really aware lately of how different my love for people has become now that God has shown me how His love is different than the conditional love of this world. I can finally say that I have, without effort on my own part, loved someone fully when all the reasons in the world were screaming at me to hate him with all of my being.
It's a funny thing, to realize that God has changed your heart or your mind. When you trust more, it's not like you get these new thoughts or you start thinking more intelligent or wise or spiritual things - it's like the way that you think about things changes. What's logical in your own mind and heart is different. The natural progression of things as you see it in your own mind is surprisingly different. What you feel and who you feel for and how you feel it in your heart changes. God does funny things. God brings change.
God brings growth. But he also brings the knowledge of what hasn't changed and how you haven't grown in all the areas you thought you had. God gently reminds you of immaturities and then nudges you in the right direction.
Anyways, that last part is more or less how I'm feeling right now. There's a lot of head and heart knowledge that needs to be put to work and a lot of old habits and mechanisms that need to be put to rest.
Love,
always,
Meredith
I love thinking to myself "Meredith is up...but she isn't posting on fb"
ReplyDeleteSo I go to see if you have been blogging. 41 seconds ago, this was posted.
Win.
Ok, now I'm going to read it.
^ that 41 seconds is what my blogspot dashboard said, not your silly 1:33 am that blogger gave you for when you started :)
ReplyDeletewas NOT expecting that fast of a response. that's kenneth status, that is.
ReplyDeleteRead it while taking my time traversing Seafoam Island in Pokemon. Your thought process has been maturing from what I have been reading. It's awesome to see how God's love has taught you to love someone you would normally hate. With that, I'll end my comment.
ReplyDelete