HE>i

A lot happens in a month, especially in the spring. I don't know why but spring is always my hardest season - is it that way for everyone? It's so jam-packed full of growth - but all the necessary gardening metaphors are still there (pruning, grafting, etc.). It's been a beautiful spring, my best friend coming to know the God that saved my life and hers (and yours), great weather, making wonderful new friends, and really learning about the life that God wants me to lead.

All of this, even in my wandering heart.

Some people beg for signs from God - that He exists and cares for them. They can have some of mine! I get enough signs - I would say I'm almost sick of them but it's entirely untrue. Being constantly reminded of God's power and sovereignty through events in my life and in others is so worth it - though sometimes it hurts because my heart is so wrapped up in its own pride and muckiness (is this a word? haha). I have direction and calling and purpose and meaning to my life and I love it - though I'm realizing more and more daily what dying to yourself truly means and that it's what He's calling me to do.

I don't think I truly understand the weight of that statement or the many more that I have recently (divinely) stumbled upon.

"I must decrease that He may increase." (John 3:30)

"He that loves his life will lose it, but he who hates it will live forever." (John 12:25)

"We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! ¹¹ To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment." (1 Cor. 4:10-13)

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Cor. 4:16-17)

The things God has shown me in the past month are scary, but awesome. I would live my life no other way but to bring Him glory. If that's being "alone" for the rest of my life, I'm down; if it's eventually moving to a country where people would hate me for what I believe in, let's do it; if He calls me to lay down my life for Him, let's go. All of that is so hard to say, but it's how I feel. My heart aches for my own humanity at times, wanting to bitterly hold on to what I want, what makes ME happy, what my hopes/dreams/goals are, what I value and think is important. My flesh cries out and says, "What about me?" But I am so much more fulfilled in doing what God wants me to do.

I think this next part is somewhat unrelated, but I'mma write it anyway.

I have always been a very good observer of people. I like to remove myself and watch, whether it be people's actions, expressions, or the heart behind both of those. Sometimes observing people - taking that step back, out of the action - reminds me of how lonely I have been and sometimes am, and sometimes it reminds me through seeing other people's crap of how much crap I truly have. Tonight at the hoedown I watched people (couples, really) and was reminded of my singleness (haha) and how God has kept me this way for a reason. That if He wants me to remain single for the rest of my life I have to be ok with it - not even just ok, STOKED on it. And skating/walking back down DP on my way home I was reminded of the how set-apart my life is and needs to be. I do not enjoy catcalls and comments about how I'm longboarding in a skirt and what the maker of that comment would like to do if we ever "hung out" and jokes about the "slut on a skateboard" or whatever else. I don't like having to swerve through swarms of people who are so preoccupied with other thoughts that they have no regard for their own safety and well-being. I hate the sight of girls passed out on the street with staggering guys approaching with glazed-over eyes. It hurts my heart.

But as much as all that sucks, God has already redeemed all of it.

He is standing there with arms open wide.

He is waiting for Isla Vista.

He waits for you, for me, for all of humanity to turn and fall at his feet.

Because even with all of our crap, we are perfect in his eyes.

Dang.

Love,

Always,

Meredith