keep me where the light is

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortabl, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

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Does Paul, as he writes to Timothy, actually mean that he, Paul, is the most sinful and terrible person who has ever/will ever live? I don't think so.

I am the worst sinner of all. How do I know that? Because I truly know my heart and what it's capable of. I am the only living person walking this earth who truly has explored the depths of my sinful heart, knows all of the silent sins that are so easily concealed, can view the full scope of my actions and see what nasty, ugly, awful things have brought them to fruition.

I do not fully know my heart, by the grace and mercy of God. I truly know my heart in the sense that I know how awful I can be - I am aware of my thoughts, actions, and motivations. But if I fully knew all the intricacies of the flesh and its desire to go against the will of God, there would be no way for me to see God's glory over it. God knows that I am self-critical and that my own failures and problems sadden and distract me, so He lays a screen of blessing and so so so much grace over the darkest parts of me - and that is Glory.

All I can think about lately is the beautiful dichotomy of being at once a sinner and a saint. That being a sinner - this is a qualitative term, so it's not modifiable (no one is less or more of a sinner than someone else) - is something that we cannot help and the only thing we can do about it is turn to Jesus and crawl/walk/leap/dance toward Him. And as for being a saint - also qualitative and absolute - that is the biggest blessing of all. God didn't really need to make us holy - but He wants to. He makes us holy not because it's a good deal (spend $45 and get a free gift type of deal) but because He loves us and He deserves nothing less. Like, we are not able to be in His presence in an unholy state: we stand before Him naked and ashamed, yet entirely made holy by Jesus Christ - both man and God.

That's crazytown.

And the thing is, I must operate in the idea that I am the worst sinner of all, not only because I am, but because if I believe any less - that there are people worse than me - then I am deeming some sin worse than others. God doesn't work that way - why should I get to? It is presumptuous of me to say that I am less of a sinner than other people, actually, it's downright incorrect.

And by fully recognizing the fact that I am the worst sinner of all, that I am wretched, that the only being that can even acknowledge, let alone handle my sin is Jesus Christ - I see/feel/experience/know the glory of God over my life.

And that is blessed.

Love,

Always,

Meredith