a ballerina brought to her knees
it sucks to know that even if you have no self-esteem, you can still be prideful.
Being a dancer is my favorite thing about life, but it's also the hardest and the easiest to hate. There is so much judgment and negativity that is so readily available in a group of dancers - everyone is willing to put themselves down yet at the same time put themselves ahead of everyone else. It's a highly competitive environment - we compete for grades and rank, we compete in looks, we compete in weight and size, how good our feet look, even on how cool our leotards are - it's pretty ridiculous.
I've never been a good receiver of either compliments or criticism and I've always had poor self-esteem, which makes being in a program like SB extremely difficult. The teachers are quick to help you improve, but sometimes it is harsh and sometimes it isn't pretty. But it's what we need. They are also quick to encourage and be super loving. That strange and quick-change dichotomy gets you hurt often. One moment you're feeling good and on this crazy ego-trip because Val said you did a nice turn and the next second she's grimacing and telling you your arabesque is terrible.
I've realized that being in the top of my class - and knowing it - has made me a little ego-crazy. More importantly, God punched me in the face (my favorite) with a simple truth.
He said, as follows,
"Meredith, you're not here because you're a good dancer. You're not in this program to dance."
And while that hurt, it was like it instantly healed because it was truth. It's been so freeing lately to not have to worry about being the best and constantly striving - I work hard every day because I love it and I like to do things well, but not because I have to end up #1 in my class. I can enjoy the music and squeeze every last drop of joy out of my movement because I don't have to hurry up and get to the next one. I can thank God daily that I can do the things that I do: the ones that are so simple that all dancers take advantage of, the ones I can't do but love watching others execute, and those special movements that I see on my body and know that I do them in a way that no one else can or ever will. Or finding out what my body has decided is its pattern or what's comfortable - my body secretly knowing what makes it happy and telling my brain what to do. I get to rejoice and praise Him in dance - that's my major, what's yours?
Of course, I'm not perfect. I get caught up in the world way often. As a self-diagnosed perfectionist and self-critic, it's easy to find myself looking at myself in class and thinking super negative, worldly things. I have always struggled with body-image (being raised as a ballerina) and it's so easy to hate on what God has given me and envy what He gave other people. It's so easy to compare. It's so easy to judge. It's so easy to think negatively about other people because they're better.
So dance class is now prayer. I need mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation to walk into a ballet class and be able to fully honor Him with all of it. And by loving Him, I'm loving myself - which is a new phenomenon, one I'm unsure about how to explore.
Thank you reader, for taking the time to read this. I love you dearly and hope you know that. Know it in the way that you experience it, you feel it. But more importantly that you truly know the God that loves you more than even Himself - more than LOVE Himself. Yeah, I serve a hardcore God.
Love,
always,
Meredith
Being a dancer is my favorite thing about life, but it's also the hardest and the easiest to hate. There is so much judgment and negativity that is so readily available in a group of dancers - everyone is willing to put themselves down yet at the same time put themselves ahead of everyone else. It's a highly competitive environment - we compete for grades and rank, we compete in looks, we compete in weight and size, how good our feet look, even on how cool our leotards are - it's pretty ridiculous.
I've never been a good receiver of either compliments or criticism and I've always had poor self-esteem, which makes being in a program like SB extremely difficult. The teachers are quick to help you improve, but sometimes it is harsh and sometimes it isn't pretty. But it's what we need. They are also quick to encourage and be super loving. That strange and quick-change dichotomy gets you hurt often. One moment you're feeling good and on this crazy ego-trip because Val said you did a nice turn and the next second she's grimacing and telling you your arabesque is terrible.
I've realized that being in the top of my class - and knowing it - has made me a little ego-crazy. More importantly, God punched me in the face (my favorite) with a simple truth.
He said, as follows,
"Meredith, you're not here because you're a good dancer. You're not in this program to dance."
And while that hurt, it was like it instantly healed because it was truth. It's been so freeing lately to not have to worry about being the best and constantly striving - I work hard every day because I love it and I like to do things well, but not because I have to end up #1 in my class. I can enjoy the music and squeeze every last drop of joy out of my movement because I don't have to hurry up and get to the next one. I can thank God daily that I can do the things that I do: the ones that are so simple that all dancers take advantage of, the ones I can't do but love watching others execute, and those special movements that I see on my body and know that I do them in a way that no one else can or ever will. Or finding out what my body has decided is its pattern or what's comfortable - my body secretly knowing what makes it happy and telling my brain what to do. I get to rejoice and praise Him in dance - that's my major, what's yours?
Of course, I'm not perfect. I get caught up in the world way often. As a self-diagnosed perfectionist and self-critic, it's easy to find myself looking at myself in class and thinking super negative, worldly things. I have always struggled with body-image (being raised as a ballerina) and it's so easy to hate on what God has given me and envy what He gave other people. It's so easy to compare. It's so easy to judge. It's so easy to think negatively about other people because they're better.
So dance class is now prayer. I need mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation to walk into a ballet class and be able to fully honor Him with all of it. And by loving Him, I'm loving myself - which is a new phenomenon, one I'm unsure about how to explore.
Thank you reader, for taking the time to read this. I love you dearly and hope you know that. Know it in the way that you experience it, you feel it. But more importantly that you truly know the God that loves you more than even Himself - more than LOVE Himself. Yeah, I serve a hardcore God.
Love,
always,
Meredith
Your blog posts are an inspiration...seriously.
ReplyDeleteIt is a definite fact. God has, is, and will continue to use you. By continuing to make yourself vulnerable and allowing your soul to sincerely struggle while ultimately trusting, you are placing yourself in the greatest position for the Spirit to work in you.
ReplyDeleteYou make Him smile. Hourly.