a thinking spree

Well reader, my thinking time didn't go so well.

I found my mind so wrapped up in so many things that I was unable to really reason out what I felt, why I felt it, and what I was supposed to do about it. But was that really the goal?

Probably not, it seems. If we were to rely on our own understanding and come to our own conclusions about life, we would not need God.

But what if there is a conclusion that needs to be drawn and I have no idea what God is saying? Is the solution so obvious that a friend that, to the extent of my knowledge, does not know what's going on is able to see that there IS an obvious and righteous solution? I feel as though I would like the counsel of others in this case but I also feel like God wants me to do this one on my own. I just feel that I'm in so deep there's no way for me to get away unscathed. I don't like to be hurt, and I don't like to hurt others. It's just not my nature.

I suppose I know what I should do, but will I be convinced otherwise mid-sentence? Possibly. I suppose I know where I stand in my convictions, but will they bend to another's will? Possibly.

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That is what I wrote last Saturday. And I made a decision. And I acted on that decision. And I was told that I was wrong. And I was convinced otherwise. And now I'm unsure again.

It's difficult for me to say when it's right for me to be unsure and when it's just my lack of confidence that's telling me to be unsure. All I know is that I feel slightly uncomfortable, even though the problem that was making me uncomfortable before has been resolved.

--

That is what I wrote two days ago. I still feel it resonating in my head and heart as well as the sinking feeling that I still cannot do the right thing. Today was an off day for sure, I woke up the wrong way and was snappy and cruel. I also studied all day and I don't think that helped - when you're reading about mental illness such as addictions, eating disorders, schizophrenia, etc. it's rather hard to be cheerful.

Because it was so rough at the beginning, I restarted my day at about 8 o'clock and was able to enjoy myself for a little while. The thing is, a still had that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't right. The uneasiness was still there, lurking among all the feelings of good will and happiness that stems from a night full of shenanigans and catchphrase.

And so it goes, dear reader. I think the day may come when I am free from this place, but it will not be without a struggle. Even with this uneasiness, I still find joy in trusting the Lord above all other things. This has all taught me to rely on Him before other people, which sounds corny but is really an important thing for me. With His help and on my own I have resisted temptations to just spill my guts to whoever wants to listen - an emotional boundary I am learning now is important. I don't want to jeopardize my heart, I've done that enough.

Even with that though, I have shared a lot with just one friend and that really isn't fair to her because I think it stresses her out. I dunno.

I know that God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle so I am I supposed to do this alone? I don't think so. But it doesn't seem like there is anyone that I can truly confide in about this right now, aside from the Lord and that one friend.

This isn't really structured, reader, and I apologize. I'm just rambling because I'm trying to figure this all out. I know what I want to do but apparently it's not going to happen. Is that his will or His? We'll see.

Love,

Meredith