Trials and Tribulations
Hello, reader.
It is difficult to put my feelings to words right now. It's easy to circumlocute and describe the outer rim of the abyss and the events that brought me to it, keeping those events clean and clear and vague, to make sure that anyone reading this is interested but slightly bewildered by the events that I so carefully avoid naming.
I don't want to do that. I'm the kind of person who has done that all her life and is ready to be honest.
The cause of my current dilemma is not just one event, but a series of rather unfortunate ones that started back when I was in tenth grade. I had had my heartbroken by the first boy who ever gave me attention (it may have been love, but I doubt it), and I was vulnerable. That allowed a boy who was much older and wiser in the ways of the world to take advantage of me both emotionally and sexually. This is when I learned that there are people in the world who will always try to take advantage of you - something my naive self had never known (I think my pessimism about the goodness of people started here and is finally recovering three years later). I had no control in the situation and I stewed in hopelessness and guilt for the next few months until I rediscovered (so to speak) my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I realized that I could stop hating myself and could feel loved again. That I could find acceptance in the Lord. And that life was just beginning for me.
I dated again and within the first two days of our relationship, I knew that it would be just like the last. Again I was taken advantage of, again I felt the stain of guilt upon me, again I was depressed and hopeless. Then I dated a boy who changed my life - he taught me that all of physical things I had thought were supposed to be present in a relationship were unnecessary. That they were silly and that you could be in love and not have them. My faith grew enormously and I matured greatly, until we realized our relationship had slipped into the realm of the world instead of being centered around God. And so it ended.
And so it goes.
That was August. September I started school in Santa Barbara, ready to live an entirely new life - and I have. I have deleted some of the character flaws that had plagued me throughout my childhood and early adolescence such as my near-crippling shyness and inability to speak in large groups and developed ones that had been simmering during my high school years and now openly sought to mess up my new life such as ALWAYS wanting to please other people before myself. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad trait, it just seems to get me into rather precarious positions that I have realized seriously endanger my walk with Christ. This definitely applies to the relationship I ended a little more than 24 hours ago, not because I wanted to but because I had to (and wanted to). I was pleasing the other person more than myself and, more dangerously, before God. I won't say that I'm not sad, but I am definitely relieved.
With all of this in my mind and yours, dear reader, I boldly stride forward to today. There are certain things that are easy for me and there are others that I struggle with daily. For some people, alcohol is a serious vice, for others it may be drugs or stealing or pride or rudeness or relationships - and mine seems to be the last. I mess relationships up, I get into relationships with people who also mess them up, etc. I'm just generally bad with people, I think.
But through these relationships (both good and bad), God has made me the woman he wants me to be. He's made me stronger in my convictions and in my love for Him. He's made me realize that the love I was looking for can be satisfied by the only man I truly need in my life: Jesus Christ. Perhaps a day will come when the Lord also gives me an earthly man to love - right now, I doubt it and will plan my life accordingly, focusing all on glorifying He who first loved me.
I cried for the first time in a long time tonight. And for the first time in a longer time, it wasn't for any boy. It was because I finally came to understand something the Lord has been constantly nudging at me: I'm silly. Well, the thought had crossed my mind before, of course, but now it takes on a deeper and more truth-telling meaning. While love is not a petty thing, the way we use it is: we are fed this idea that "true love" is the romantic kind of love that you see in chick flicks or whatever, but this is because the world is unfamiliar with the Word. Through recent interactions with people and the kind, redirecting prod from the Lord, I have discovered that love takes on so many more forms than just the lovey-dovey matchbook romance kind. I have also learned that I DO NOT NEED TO SEEK LOVE OUT.
From now on, I will guard my heart against sought-out love and will continue to love everyone equally - the newfound friends to the ex-boyfriends to the Joseph Konys - with the abundant and unconditional love we find in Christ.
Summary: sweet end to a tough week. Interesting how often James 1:2-7, one of the most hopeful and inspiring and painfully convicting verses of the Bible came up.
We are intrepid, we carry on.
God is good.
With all the love in my heart,
Meredith
It is difficult to put my feelings to words right now. It's easy to circumlocute and describe the outer rim of the abyss and the events that brought me to it, keeping those events clean and clear and vague, to make sure that anyone reading this is interested but slightly bewildered by the events that I so carefully avoid naming.
I don't want to do that. I'm the kind of person who has done that all her life and is ready to be honest.
The cause of my current dilemma is not just one event, but a series of rather unfortunate ones that started back when I was in tenth grade. I had had my heartbroken by the first boy who ever gave me attention (it may have been love, but I doubt it), and I was vulnerable. That allowed a boy who was much older and wiser in the ways of the world to take advantage of me both emotionally and sexually. This is when I learned that there are people in the world who will always try to take advantage of you - something my naive self had never known (I think my pessimism about the goodness of people started here and is finally recovering three years later). I had no control in the situation and I stewed in hopelessness and guilt for the next few months until I rediscovered (so to speak) my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I realized that I could stop hating myself and could feel loved again. That I could find acceptance in the Lord. And that life was just beginning for me.
I dated again and within the first two days of our relationship, I knew that it would be just like the last. Again I was taken advantage of, again I felt the stain of guilt upon me, again I was depressed and hopeless. Then I dated a boy who changed my life - he taught me that all of physical things I had thought were supposed to be present in a relationship were unnecessary. That they were silly and that you could be in love and not have them. My faith grew enormously and I matured greatly, until we realized our relationship had slipped into the realm of the world instead of being centered around God. And so it ended.
And so it goes.
That was August. September I started school in Santa Barbara, ready to live an entirely new life - and I have. I have deleted some of the character flaws that had plagued me throughout my childhood and early adolescence such as my near-crippling shyness and inability to speak in large groups and developed ones that had been simmering during my high school years and now openly sought to mess up my new life such as ALWAYS wanting to please other people before myself. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad trait, it just seems to get me into rather precarious positions that I have realized seriously endanger my walk with Christ. This definitely applies to the relationship I ended a little more than 24 hours ago, not because I wanted to but because I had to (and wanted to). I was pleasing the other person more than myself and, more dangerously, before God. I won't say that I'm not sad, but I am definitely relieved.
With all of this in my mind and yours, dear reader, I boldly stride forward to today. There are certain things that are easy for me and there are others that I struggle with daily. For some people, alcohol is a serious vice, for others it may be drugs or stealing or pride or rudeness or relationships - and mine seems to be the last. I mess relationships up, I get into relationships with people who also mess them up, etc. I'm just generally bad with people, I think.
But through these relationships (both good and bad), God has made me the woman he wants me to be. He's made me stronger in my convictions and in my love for Him. He's made me realize that the love I was looking for can be satisfied by the only man I truly need in my life: Jesus Christ. Perhaps a day will come when the Lord also gives me an earthly man to love - right now, I doubt it and will plan my life accordingly, focusing all on glorifying He who first loved me.
I cried for the first time in a long time tonight. And for the first time in a longer time, it wasn't for any boy. It was because I finally came to understand something the Lord has been constantly nudging at me: I'm silly. Well, the thought had crossed my mind before, of course, but now it takes on a deeper and more truth-telling meaning. While love is not a petty thing, the way we use it is: we are fed this idea that "true love" is the romantic kind of love that you see in chick flicks or whatever, but this is because the world is unfamiliar with the Word. Through recent interactions with people and the kind, redirecting prod from the Lord, I have discovered that love takes on so many more forms than just the lovey-dovey matchbook romance kind. I have also learned that I DO NOT NEED TO SEEK LOVE OUT.
From now on, I will guard my heart against sought-out love and will continue to love everyone equally - the newfound friends to the ex-boyfriends to the Joseph Konys - with the abundant and unconditional love we find in Christ.
Summary: sweet end to a tough week. Interesting how often James 1:2-7, one of the most hopeful and inspiring and painfully convicting verses of the Bible came up.
We are intrepid, we carry on.
God is good.
With all the love in my heart,
Meredith
I find myself both distant to this post and eerily relating to it. I don't have a nice long paragraph to give you about love and support like you always grace mine with, but I can say that I look forward to charging into the future with you (charging with a Godly mindset mind you).
ReplyDeleteGlad James speaks to you as it has to me :)
- Ian
I'm going to agree with Ian's first sentence! I've definitely struggled with wanting to be in a relationship, but at the same time, I have no idea what it's like due to never being in one. I feel there are things I need to figure out before I can even think about it. For now, I'm just going to live life and see where God takes me.
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