I am not okay.
Here we are, nearly seven year after my last post. Much has changed. I look back on the person that I was and it pains me to see the person I was becoming. I had no idea the changes that were to come shortly after that blog post, the ways that my ideas and values would shift and change, and eventual stage of survival mode that I would launch into as I approached adulthood and post-college life.
I think I was just too young to understand or to see clearly. Too young, too naive, too trusting, too unwilling to take responsibility for my part in my own unhappiness. Too willing to look past the truth to the acceptable version that allowed me to still look at the world with optimism and what I believed to be love. Too young to understand how to truly offer myself up to God and seek healing.
Now, seven years later, I see the damage that I have taken. I see the damage I have done to myself by not opening up. I see these huge things that I have experienced, things that can really fuck you up, and how I never let those wounds actually heal.
I was sexually assaulted in college by someone I trusted.
I found out my dad isn't my biological father, I am unrelated to my siblings, a result of an affair.
I found out my mom, my hero, wasn't perfect because she cheated on my dad.
I was violently assaulted in Cuba.
I have been in two very serious car accidents and am still in pain from both.
It goes on. Just a few of these things would take time to get over yet I have experienced them all and more. I know there are people who have suffered worse than me - and that is part of the reason I always kept quiet, pushed it away. Each of these events affected me in ways I am still coming to terms with, in ways I have yet to understand. I never felt like it was okay to not be okay, especially knowing the Lord. That, no matter what happened, you had to have joy because God is good. I have only recently realized how callous and cold I have felt because of this line of thinking.
God doesn't care about our happiness, he cares about us.
If I say that I want to know God and I want to be with him, I need to be honest. I need to repent, I need to fully feel the weight of the things that have happened to me instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. I need to look at the way that this sin-dominated society has influenced my body, mind, perceptions, values, emotions, language, knowledge, and spirit. I need to root out what is not of God. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. But if I don't, I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain, with this constant dread of the future, with shame about my actions and failures, with no hope.
This blog has only ever really been for me. I'm not sure if anyone has read it. But if you would like to go on this journey with me, you are welcome. Just know that I'm going to be raw, unfiltered, and desperate at times. Know that this is the most open, emotional process I have ever been through. Know that I do not have a plan. But also know that I love you, whoever you are, for going through this with me.
Love,
Always,
M
I think I was just too young to understand or to see clearly. Too young, too naive, too trusting, too unwilling to take responsibility for my part in my own unhappiness. Too willing to look past the truth to the acceptable version that allowed me to still look at the world with optimism and what I believed to be love. Too young to understand how to truly offer myself up to God and seek healing.
Now, seven years later, I see the damage that I have taken. I see the damage I have done to myself by not opening up. I see these huge things that I have experienced, things that can really fuck you up, and how I never let those wounds actually heal.
I was sexually assaulted in college by someone I trusted.
I found out my dad isn't my biological father, I am unrelated to my siblings, a result of an affair.
I found out my mom, my hero, wasn't perfect because she cheated on my dad.
I was violently assaulted in Cuba.
I have been in two very serious car accidents and am still in pain from both.
It goes on. Just a few of these things would take time to get over yet I have experienced them all and more. I know there are people who have suffered worse than me - and that is part of the reason I always kept quiet, pushed it away. Each of these events affected me in ways I am still coming to terms with, in ways I have yet to understand. I never felt like it was okay to not be okay, especially knowing the Lord. That, no matter what happened, you had to have joy because God is good. I have only recently realized how callous and cold I have felt because of this line of thinking.
God doesn't care about our happiness, he cares about us.
If I say that I want to know God and I want to be with him, I need to be honest. I need to repent, I need to fully feel the weight of the things that have happened to me instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. I need to look at the way that this sin-dominated society has influenced my body, mind, perceptions, values, emotions, language, knowledge, and spirit. I need to root out what is not of God. It's going to hurt. It's going to suck. But if I don't, I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain, with this constant dread of the future, with shame about my actions and failures, with no hope.
This blog has only ever really been for me. I'm not sure if anyone has read it. But if you would like to go on this journey with me, you are welcome. Just know that I'm going to be raw, unfiltered, and desperate at times. Know that this is the most open, emotional process I have ever been through. Know that I do not have a plan. But also know that I love you, whoever you are, for going through this with me.
Love,
Always,
M
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