recalibration

I'm definitely still going to cry. But now I know that the tears are because I'm fully feeling the weight of my sin and the weight of what I've done. They were of despair and fear and not knowing but now, they have a purpose.

"As we get tired and weighed down, our conscience can become desensitized. God's voice is slowly muffled and we begin to lose our passion for Him."

I hadn't even realized that this had happened. I thought that because all of my research and work was about God, that I believed and cared about Him, meant that I was on the right track. Now that I look back, it is easy to see the ways that the world had affected me and the events of my life had swayed my conviction about the love that God has for me. That, in turn, changed my actions and made me think that certain things were okay - when they were clearly not.

Now I am in a process of re-calibration, trying to get back to the heart of God, trying to sync up my heart and mind. While that process was disheartening yesterday, it is exciting today. I know what I want. I know what God has for me. And I am willing to go for it.